i'm not there (i did not die)

[swatkat]

i'm not there (i did not die):

'I'm better off alone anyway.' – House to Wilson, The Itch
'I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable.' – House to Amber, Wilson's Heart


And so now we have come to this—House is seeing a therapist, something you'd never have thought you'd see House do (although heaven knows he could use one). Wilson didn't tell House anything he didn't know in that last scene, and frankly, we could've done without that camera blurring thing in the end (hello, anvil!): he is alone. He is lonely. House needs people, whether he'll admit or no—he was forced to hire his new team because he couldn't do without them in his professional life; he ran after Wilson and Cuddy after they seemed to be drawing away from him.

I've been very proud of the way House has been trying so very hard this season, and frustrated by how locked in he really is. Nothing he has been trying (and he has been trying, he has been putting himself out there, he has been reaching out to people he loves) seems to be working very well. If there's one characteristic House shares with Cuddy, it's giving up on himself. But unlike House, Cuddy is an optimist. And unlike House, Cuddy does not angst. And therefore, unlike House, Cuddy bounces back the next day, no matter what she has suffered, and jumps right back into the fray (sometimes she even gets herself to believe that she's absolutely fine). House on the other hand will never let anything go when it comes to his puzzles and his friends, but when it comes to himself? He's scared and impatient, and he's quick to dismiss something as important and time-consuming as therapy after one frakking session. The last scene reminded me of House's little scene with Chase in 'The Social Contract,'

Chase: He says awful things. Hardly a medical condition.
House: When he leaves, he'll lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky—till he drives them away too.

What is really awesome is that the last line of Wilson's works on two levels: Wilson is thinking in terms of House and his tangled mess of a whatever-it-is with Cuddy, because to Wilson, the definition of 'alone' is not in a relationship. That's *why* his decision to move on in life has meant 'getting a new girlfriend'. Like House, he doesn't want to be miserable and he doesn't want to be alone, but his solution to the problem is always, always finding a new person to date. ♥


i am in a quiet room:

It's just like Wilson to think that House's decision to see a shrink has everything to do with Cuddy—because, as we know, his brain works on the following lines:

X + Relationship = Profit!!!

I'm wondering if he doesn't recognise how much it also has to do with him. (I'm still waiting for some more fallout over Amber, and the fact that House nearly died because Wilson asked him to.)

But that said, it *does* have to do with Cuddy, and the fact that she has almost entirely withdrawn from her 'I-am-interested-in-you' position post-5.10. In 5.11, House tried baiting her repeatedly, to no avail. Afterwards, it has been all about Rachel, and despite her confusion about what she wants in 'Unfaithful' (which House does not know about, and believes that she did not want him in her house; he's also probably very confused about why the desk did not elicit any response), House has been frustrated and in the dark about her intentions. 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' he asked her in 'The Softer Side'. And I wanted her to reply, 'I can't believe you're asking me this after everything we've been through,' but that's not the answer he wanted, is it? Because House has been trying to make a point all throughout the season, through his secret cheerleader past in 5.03, through the desk in 5.10 and the 'Merry Christmas' in 5.11, through the mature punching-bag stance that he took in 5.14, that while he has better friends than he deserves, he is capable of caring for people and doing epic things for them. And it's frustrating, because while Cuddy did get the other point he tried to get across ('I'm an asshole, don't expect too many things from me'), she—in spite of her eternal optimism and her faith that House can do better, which, no matter what he claims, he desperately needs, as he showed us in 5.14—has not seen it, does not even believe it is possible:


House:There was a girl.
Lucas:Even more so.

Lucas:That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light. Not only didn't she see it, she didn't even believe it was possible.
House: You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

And it's so very sad, because, it's not as though Cuddy doesn't want to believe him. Except that she has been burned. I found her apology at the end of 5.14 remarkable, because not only was it the right thing to do, but it was also remarkably honest, and House and Cuddy being honest to each other is a rare occurrence in the show. But it makes perfect sense that she baulked at his 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' I wrote post-5.10:

Add to this the title 'Let Them Eat Cake', and the reference to Marie Antoinette. I'm not happy she fell for the idea of a relationship with House, because she knows better, she has shown in the previous episodes that she knows better and she certainly deserves better than have her heart broken over House (I mean, the last look was 'I can't believe I fell for that, stupid'). But she did, and it makes sense with her character. We already know that House is a big scaredy cat and we already know House is the King of Mixed Signals and Emotional Ill-Health - but Cuddy is not very brave, either. In fact, she kind of sucks at relationships and emotional issues, things she cannot control, and that she put herself out there was an incredibly brave step on her part (tempered, of course, by a healthy dose of her vision of the 'world as it could be' - delusion, if you will; prompted, probably, by the melodrama in her life, her fear of loss esp. post 'Joy' and 'Last Resort', by Wilson's 'you can make it work!', by House's mixed signals, by the fact that she wants it), given her history of giving up on things and avoiding pain when they scare her (5.06: 'You're giving up.').

If House wants Cuddy, he's going to have to do something about it himself because she's not, the way she's now, going to drag him down the pool with his clothes on—at best, she will tug at his hand. And she's already done that.

I still believe this—unless, of course, some important event takes place in the near future. The question House was really asking is 'If you only believe I'm a jerk and an asshole (which, of course, I am, and please don't forget it), why do you care if I'm happy?'

It ties in to Wilson's failure to recognise the magnitude of his importance to House, and really, my heart breaks for House here. Remember that conversation with Nurse Nemesis in 5.02 about the boy who cried wolf? His friends don't believe him. And so far, nothing he has done has served to rectify it.

Etc.:

* Kutner's still the smartest D2.

* Claiming Kutner's idea? That is low, Taub. And desperate. And why am I not surprised that Kutner let him do it? He loves his friends, be it in his demand to know where Thirteen was a few episodes ago or in his heartbreak over Cole in S4, and will go great extents for them. Like House will.

* Not enough Cuddy. Humph. That said, she was absolutely gorgeous in purple and I had trouble paying attention to what they were saying.

* On the same note: they've fixed her hair! ♥♥♥

* Even Foreman's problems are boring. Awww. His girlfriends don't like his taste in jewelry, and Foreman, that vain, smug idiot, is heartbroken about it. I love how Thirteen handled it. She knows she's the cool one, awww.

* Cameron!!!! (Also, this is the second or third instance where House has asked her why she's not on his team. Foreshadowing?)

* TAUB. STOP. BE HAPPY AND SARCASTIC, I BEG OF YOU.

* House and Wilson. True love = stalking your BFF.

Comments

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

I've been very proud of the way House has been trying so very hard this season, and frustrated by how locked in he really is.

Yes, this. He's been busting his butt to reach out, and he's gotten only modest results. This is *hard* for him. And he's hurting badly (look how he's picking on Taub). I think it's all coming home to roost in the next few episodes...

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

What you mention about Wilson, that being "alone" means "not being in a relationship" is my least favorite thing about him, and I think is his biggest fault. And, like you say later, it causes him to fail to recognize how important he means to House as a friend, how not alone he helps House feel when he's around as his friend, not his matchmaker. I think a part of the reason House has felt so damn lonely this season is because Wilson hasn't been there like he's been in the past. He's been nudging him away in a sense, toward Cuddy, which is all well and good and appropriate for his character (Wilson has frequently nudged House toward a relationship when the chance presented), but I think it's done to make House feel much more out there on his own this season without Wilson really realizing that.

Which, of course, makes sense. And I agree that House needs to do something about Cuddy himself, and it'll be up to him to make that move, but I think it's progressing to a point where he's starting to act out of fear more than anything else. Wilson keeps repeating that he'll be alone, implying that he'll be alone for the rest of his life, that this is his last realistic shot, and we've seen House react very badly, and out of that fear of the people he loves leaving him in the past. Very early this season, I proposed that House's actions were all about avoiding pain and his fear of it, not wanting to be miserable, and I think it's still about that for him. And I know lots of people disagree with me, but I think what's starting to take shape with House and Cuddy here is that, while he finds her attractive and cares about her and respects her, House's fear and loneliness and pain is driving him to act, almost desperately, because things are beginning to reach a boiling point, emotionally, and he's not acting out of love, or being in love. The thing is, I think he wants that. In fact, I think what he's aiming for is the model of the last not-so-miserable existence he knew--his pre-infarction life. He's tried to achieve it in a few ways so far, and each way has failed, which, I think, is a reason why he's getting more and more desperate. Before the infarction he: was pain-free and able-bodied, seemed more emotionally healthy than he is now, and was in a serious, loving relationship. He started with the easiest, least scary option and with each failed attempt has been trying the next. He's tried to go back to a pain-free life with the methadone treatment and that didn't work. He tried to see a therapist to work through emotional problems and get back to where he was before the infarction gave him or at least brought to the forefront a set of inhibiting issues and problems, but that didn't work either. And I think the attempt with Cuddy will be one to fill that relationship slot. The trouble is that I don't think he's going to make a 'move' for the right reason, because I think he's doing it to partly cure his pain and not because he's in love with her or wants to be with her, and, like all his previous attempts, this "treatment" to make himself less miserable won't 'stick', because, like all the others, he'll find fault with it and it won't 'work'. Much speculation, of course, but it's the pattern that I've noticed, and one that makes a lot of sense to me.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

while Cuddy did get the other point he tried to get across ('I'm an asshole, don't expect too many things from me') Part of the thing about Cuddy, that I can see, though, is that she hasn't and can't fully get that, because of her tendency to lose perspective about what's near and dear to her and see the ideal and pure potential rather than reality. And I think that's part of the problem between them, and why House hasn't made more of an active effort to really and truly pursue her. He has been trying, but trying to get her to see all the positive and negative aspects of him, but Cuddy's having serious trouble fully recognizing either in reality, and is seeing a version of House she wishes to see.

I think all three of them are heading down a slippery, slippery slope (which, being the angst and misery whore I am), I kind of like because it's interesting. They're all hurting, and very concerned with pain--easing it, eliminating it, avoiding it--and I think, more than anything, it's their number one motivator across the board. (I'm not really arguing with you about a lot of this, mind you, more just...voicing things in a place that I feel safe, because I don't feel safe in many places in fandom lately.) But I think part of the problem we've been seeing (predominantly in Cuddy and partly in Wilson and most recently in House) is this pattern of growing desperation and self-delusion that leads to poor decisions. They're all trying to change, and I think they're all as capable of it in significant, lasting ways as House is. That is to say, not very capable. They've all been making small ones, and it's true that House is not the same person in much smaller ways than he used to be even in season one, but I think when it comes to the big issues, they're all relatively the same and despite all their efforts will remain so. I think what we've become aware of over the years are the events in characters' lives (I'm mostly interested in House, Wilson, and Cuddy here) that changed them for the rest of their lives. House's infarction. The loss of Wilson's brother Daniel. I'd say Cuddy's is more of a period than event and that is her years spent ruthlessly pursuing professional ambitions and foresaking other parts of her life. I can't quite think of any one 'event' for her. And I think while it's interesting (okay, personally terrifying because I desperately don't want them to change, so I show my bias there) to see them try to change and, even despite attaining things that they think they 'want' (Wilson regaining his brother, Cuddy getting a baby), still fail to do so. I think ultimately they're going to be forced to recognize what they can't change and accept those things, instead of try to change what they cannot. Kind of like that "serenity prayer". (Oh, wow, House would be horrified to know I just applied a prayer to their situations, and I'm not even religious.) I think they're slowly and painfully learning the difference between what they can change and what they can't.

Oh, wow, did I ramble. I'm sorry, but...yeah, I guess it's nice to be able to talk in a place where I feel okay about it.

And, I just realized that...I think House said, "I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable." Not "I don't want to be alone." I just checked. Pain/miserable.