i'm not there (i did not die)

[swatkat]

i'm not there (i did not die):

'I'm better off alone anyway.' – House to Wilson, The Itch
'I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable.' – House to Amber, Wilson's Heart


And so now we have come to this—House is seeing a therapist, something you'd never have thought you'd see House do (although heaven knows he could use one). Wilson didn't tell House anything he didn't know in that last scene, and frankly, we could've done without that camera blurring thing in the end (hello, anvil!): he is alone. He is lonely. House needs people, whether he'll admit or no—he was forced to hire his new team because he couldn't do without them in his professional life; he ran after Wilson and Cuddy after they seemed to be drawing away from him.

I've been very proud of the way House has been trying so very hard this season, and frustrated by how locked in he really is. Nothing he has been trying (and he has been trying, he has been putting himself out there, he has been reaching out to people he loves) seems to be working very well. If there's one characteristic House shares with Cuddy, it's giving up on himself. But unlike House, Cuddy is an optimist. And unlike House, Cuddy does not angst. And therefore, unlike House, Cuddy bounces back the next day, no matter what she has suffered, and jumps right back into the fray (sometimes she even gets herself to believe that she's absolutely fine). House on the other hand will never let anything go when it comes to his puzzles and his friends, but when it comes to himself? He's scared and impatient, and he's quick to dismiss something as important and time-consuming as therapy after one frakking session. The last scene reminded me of House's little scene with Chase in 'The Social Contract,'

Chase: He says awful things. Hardly a medical condition.
House: When he leaves, he'll lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky—till he drives them away too.

What is really awesome is that the last line of Wilson's works on two levels: Wilson is thinking in terms of House and his tangled mess of a whatever-it-is with Cuddy, because to Wilson, the definition of 'alone' is not in a relationship. That's *why* his decision to move on in life has meant 'getting a new girlfriend'. Like House, he doesn't want to be miserable and he doesn't want to be alone, but his solution to the problem is always, always finding a new person to date. ♥


i am in a quiet room:

It's just like Wilson to think that House's decision to see a shrink has everything to do with Cuddy—because, as we know, his brain works on the following lines:

X + Relationship = Profit!!!

I'm wondering if he doesn't recognise how much it also has to do with him. (I'm still waiting for some more fallout over Amber, and the fact that House nearly died because Wilson asked him to.)

But that said, it *does* have to do with Cuddy, and the fact that she has almost entirely withdrawn from her 'I-am-interested-in-you' position post-5.10. In 5.11, House tried baiting her repeatedly, to no avail. Afterwards, it has been all about Rachel, and despite her confusion about what she wants in 'Unfaithful' (which House does not know about, and believes that she did not want him in her house; he's also probably very confused about why the desk did not elicit any response), House has been frustrated and in the dark about her intentions. 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' he asked her in 'The Softer Side'. And I wanted her to reply, 'I can't believe you're asking me this after everything we've been through,' but that's not the answer he wanted, is it? Because House has been trying to make a point all throughout the season, through his secret cheerleader past in 5.03, through the desk in 5.10 and the 'Merry Christmas' in 5.11, through the mature punching-bag stance that he took in 5.14, that while he has better friends than he deserves, he is capable of caring for people and doing epic things for them. And it's frustrating, because while Cuddy did get the other point he tried to get across ('I'm an asshole, don't expect too many things from me'), she—in spite of her eternal optimism and her faith that House can do better, which, no matter what he claims, he desperately needs, as he showed us in 5.14—has not seen it, does not even believe it is possible:


House:There was a girl.
Lucas:Even more so.

Lucas:That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light. Not only didn't she see it, she didn't even believe it was possible.
House: You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

And it's so very sad, because, it's not as though Cuddy doesn't want to believe him. Except that she has been burned. I found her apology at the end of 5.14 remarkable, because not only was it the right thing to do, but it was also remarkably honest, and House and Cuddy being honest to each other is a rare occurrence in the show. But it makes perfect sense that she baulked at his 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' I wrote post-5.10:

Add to this the title 'Let Them Eat Cake', and the reference to Marie Antoinette. I'm not happy she fell for the idea of a relationship with House, because she knows better, she has shown in the previous episodes that she knows better and she certainly deserves better than have her heart broken over House (I mean, the last look was 'I can't believe I fell for that, stupid'). But she did, and it makes sense with her character. We already know that House is a big scaredy cat and we already know House is the King of Mixed Signals and Emotional Ill-Health - but Cuddy is not very brave, either. In fact, she kind of sucks at relationships and emotional issues, things she cannot control, and that she put herself out there was an incredibly brave step on her part (tempered, of course, by a healthy dose of her vision of the 'world as it could be' - delusion, if you will; prompted, probably, by the melodrama in her life, her fear of loss esp. post 'Joy' and 'Last Resort', by Wilson's 'you can make it work!', by House's mixed signals, by the fact that she wants it), given her history of giving up on things and avoiding pain when they scare her (5.06: 'You're giving up.').

If House wants Cuddy, he's going to have to do something about it himself because she's not, the way she's now, going to drag him down the pool with his clothes on—at best, she will tug at his hand. And she's already done that.

I still believe this—unless, of course, some important event takes place in the near future. The question House was really asking is 'If you only believe I'm a jerk and an asshole (which, of course, I am, and please don't forget it), why do you care if I'm happy?'

It ties in to Wilson's failure to recognise the magnitude of his importance to House, and really, my heart breaks for House here. Remember that conversation with Nurse Nemesis in 5.02 about the boy who cried wolf? His friends don't believe him. And so far, nothing he has done has served to rectify it.

Etc.:

* Kutner's still the smartest D2.

* Claiming Kutner's idea? That is low, Taub. And desperate. And why am I not surprised that Kutner let him do it? He loves his friends, be it in his demand to know where Thirteen was a few episodes ago or in his heartbreak over Cole in S4, and will go great extents for them. Like House will.

* Not enough Cuddy. Humph. That said, she was absolutely gorgeous in purple and I had trouble paying attention to what they were saying.

* On the same note: they've fixed her hair! ♥♥♥

* Even Foreman's problems are boring. Awww. His girlfriends don't like his taste in jewelry, and Foreman, that vain, smug idiot, is heartbroken about it. I love how Thirteen handled it. She knows she's the cool one, awww.

* Cameron!!!! (Also, this is the second or third instance where House has asked her why she's not on his team. Foreshadowing?)

* TAUB. STOP. BE HAPPY AND SARCASTIC, I BEG OF YOU.

* House and Wilson. True love = stalking your BFF.

Comments

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

I've been very proud of the way House has been trying so very hard this season, and frustrated by how locked in he really is.

Yes, this. He's been busting his butt to reach out, and he's gotten only modest results. This is *hard* for him. And he's hurting badly (look how he's picking on Taub). I think it's all coming home to roost in the next few episodes...

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, I think the Taub storyline is now pretty closely paralleling House's, and that makes me extremely nervous about the two of them. And trust House to lash out on someone *more* helpless than he is when *he's* feeling helpless. He's so good at being an asshole that he always manages to get *that* point across very well - but everything else? Sigh.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

What you mention about Wilson, that being "alone" means "not being in a relationship" is my least favorite thing about him, and I think is his biggest fault. And, like you say later, it causes him to fail to recognize how important he means to House as a friend, how not alone he helps House feel when he's around as his friend, not his matchmaker. I think a part of the reason House has felt so damn lonely this season is because Wilson hasn't been there like he's been in the past. He's been nudging him away in a sense, toward Cuddy, which is all well and good and appropriate for his character (Wilson has frequently nudged House toward a relationship when the chance presented), but I think it's done to make House feel much more out there on his own this season without Wilson really realizing that.

Which, of course, makes sense. And I agree that House needs to do something about Cuddy himself, and it'll be up to him to make that move, but I think it's progressing to a point where he's starting to act out of fear more than anything else. Wilson keeps repeating that he'll be alone, implying that he'll be alone for the rest of his life, that this is his last realistic shot, and we've seen House react very badly, and out of that fear of the people he loves leaving him in the past. Very early this season, I proposed that House's actions were all about avoiding pain and his fear of it, not wanting to be miserable, and I think it's still about that for him. And I know lots of people disagree with me, but I think what's starting to take shape with House and Cuddy here is that, while he finds her attractive and cares about her and respects her, House's fear and loneliness and pain is driving him to act, almost desperately, because things are beginning to reach a boiling point, emotionally, and he's not acting out of love, or being in love. The thing is, I think he wants that. In fact, I think what he's aiming for is the model of the last not-so-miserable existence he knew--his pre-infarction life. He's tried to achieve it in a few ways so far, and each way has failed, which, I think, is a reason why he's getting more and more desperate. Before the infarction he: was pain-free and able-bodied, seemed more emotionally healthy than he is now, and was in a serious, loving relationship. He started with the easiest, least scary option and with each failed attempt has been trying the next. He's tried to go back to a pain-free life with the methadone treatment and that didn't work. He tried to see a therapist to work through emotional problems and get back to where he was before the infarction gave him or at least brought to the forefront a set of inhibiting issues and problems, but that didn't work either. And I think the attempt with Cuddy will be one to fill that relationship slot. The trouble is that I don't think he's going to make a 'move' for the right reason, because I think he's doing it to partly cure his pain and not because he's in love with her or wants to be with her, and, like all his previous attempts, this "treatment" to make himself less miserable won't 'stick', because, like all the others, he'll find fault with it and it won't 'work'. Much speculation, of course, but it's the pattern that I've noticed, and one that makes a lot of sense to me.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

What you mention about Wilson, that being "alone" means "not being in a relationship" is my least favorite thing about him, and I think is his biggest fault. And, like you say later, it causes him to fail to recognize how important he means to House as a friend, how not alone he helps House feel when he's around as his friend, not his matchmaker.

I totally agree, and I kinda love him for it in a 'Wilson, you darling twisted moron' kind of way. I also agree about the side-effects of Wilson's matchmaking, although I secretly suspect House would be disappointed if Wilson drew back too much, because that translates into Wilson no longer cares in his warped brain. They really have no sense of boundaries, and in House's head, irritating and intrusive matchmaking quite possibly translates into an expression of love.

But more than being pushed away through the matchmaking, what has made House feel even more alone is the return of Daniel Wilson. It's a neat parallel to Cuddy and Rachel, the fact that both of them now have new families, and that evidently means they no longer love him anymore. I'm not surprised that the therapy visit has followed 'The Social Contract'. I also wonder if he is very well, physically... (Um, haven't been following spoilers lately, don't tell me.)

House's fear and loneliness and pain is driving him to act

I agree. I'm not certain how much 'romance' really comes into the scenario - this show doesn't really do straightforward romances anyway. It's consistent with what he said on the bus - not being miserable translates into reaching out to Wilson and Cuddy.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

I secretly suspect House would be disappointed if Wilson drew back too much Oh, most definitely. House seems to want people at just the right distance for him, even the people he's closest to (so, I guess that would mean I think he does have boundaries, but they're different than most people's, and varies from person to person with House), but yes, I pretty much agree with that. It's how they operate, but when little nudges become something more like a shove away from Wilson, I can see how that would also translate to abandoning him, too.

I think Daniel is a huge factor, yes, you're right. It's the same issues coming up late in the season that came up at the beginning with Wilson leaving, Cuddy potentially 'leaving' because of a new baby, all those things. And a few episodes back, House admitted, at the very least, that he's been having bad pain days with more frequency, so even on that level, he doesn't seem to be as physically well.

I'm of the opinion that 'romance' actually has very little to do with the entire situation, as twisted and complicated as it is, with respect to Cuddy and House, but House more so. Despite the affection, care, and respect they both share for each other, those other factors--not wanting to be in pain or lonely or miserable--seem to be the driving force behind a lot of their actions this season. They've had some cute moments, and they've demonstrated great care for each other, and they've given possibilities some thought, but those seem to be thoughts motivated by that focus on pain (and all that other stuff I said before), and not on romance.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I want to smack House, because he wants his toys arranged at the right place where *he* can play with them and tear them apart at will. *sigh*

I'm of the opinion that 'romance' actually has very little to do with the entire situation, as twisted and complicated as it is, with respect to Cuddy and House, but House more so. Despite the affection, care, and respect they both share for each other, those other factors--not wanting to be in pain or lonely or miserable--seem to be the driving force behind a lot of their actions this season.

The same goes for Cuddy. She may have bought into the romance plan (and then given up on it, thanks to House), but beyond that there is loneliness and a fear of pain (traits they both share). That was *why* the kiss was not a sexy, hot kiss or a cute, fun kiss but a messy, painful kiss. And if (or probably when) they take a further step? It will be again out of that same desire for company and comfort more than anything else. It will also be a complete disaster. (And I will probably love every bit of it. *facepalm*)

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

That he does. He has his reasons. It's scary when things aren't where he needs them. ;)

*nods* Yep. I'm not entirely convinced she bought out of that plan, or even really knows what she's doing, because it's so easy for her to lose perspective (and fall for it fresh every day, because of how she almost...reboots herself), but I definitely agree that for her too it's based much more in loneliness and pain. I don't think that's changed from Joy for either of them. If it's not a complete disaster, then it would only be because the writers decided to replace them both with pod-characters.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

she almost...reboots herself

That she does. But that rebooting, that bouncing back is usually tempered by caution. Does she know what she's doing with House? I don't think so. I don't think she quite knows what she wants ('Unfaithful' made that very clear). And if her experience with Rachel has taught her anything, even getting what you want doesn't put an end to your problems - it only leads to further complications. Which is maybe why she has stepped further back from House? Hmm.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

That getting what you think you want failing to solve problems but leading to crazy complications thing? Yeah, that's kind of what I think will happen when and House and Cuddy "progress". A wild stab to solve a problem will only make it worse, I suspect. *ponders*

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

while Cuddy did get the other point he tried to get across ('I'm an asshole, don't expect too many things from me') Part of the thing about Cuddy, that I can see, though, is that she hasn't and can't fully get that, because of her tendency to lose perspective about what's near and dear to her and see the ideal and pure potential rather than reality. And I think that's part of the problem between them, and why House hasn't made more of an active effort to really and truly pursue her. He has been trying, but trying to get her to see all the positive and negative aspects of him, but Cuddy's having serious trouble fully recognizing either in reality, and is seeing a version of House she wishes to see.

I think all three of them are heading down a slippery, slippery slope (which, being the angst and misery whore I am), I kind of like because it's interesting. They're all hurting, and very concerned with pain--easing it, eliminating it, avoiding it--and I think, more than anything, it's their number one motivator across the board. (I'm not really arguing with you about a lot of this, mind you, more just...voicing things in a place that I feel safe, because I don't feel safe in many places in fandom lately.) But I think part of the problem we've been seeing (predominantly in Cuddy and partly in Wilson and most recently in House) is this pattern of growing desperation and self-delusion that leads to poor decisions. They're all trying to change, and I think they're all as capable of it in significant, lasting ways as House is. That is to say, not very capable. They've all been making small ones, and it's true that House is not the same person in much smaller ways than he used to be even in season one, but I think when it comes to the big issues, they're all relatively the same and despite all their efforts will remain so. I think what we've become aware of over the years are the events in characters' lives (I'm mostly interested in House, Wilson, and Cuddy here) that changed them for the rest of their lives. House's infarction. The loss of Wilson's brother Daniel. I'd say Cuddy's is more of a period than event and that is her years spent ruthlessly pursuing professional ambitions and foresaking other parts of her life. I can't quite think of any one 'event' for her. And I think while it's interesting (okay, personally terrifying because I desperately don't want them to change, so I show my bias there) to see them try to change and, even despite attaining things that they think they 'want' (Wilson regaining his brother, Cuddy getting a baby), still fail to do so. I think ultimately they're going to be forced to recognize what they can't change and accept those things, instead of try to change what they cannot. Kind of like that "serenity prayer". (Oh, wow, House would be horrified to know I just applied a prayer to their situations, and I'm not even religious.) I think they're slowly and painfully learning the difference between what they can change and what they can't.

Oh, wow, did I ramble. I'm sorry, but...yeah, I guess it's nice to be able to talk in a place where I feel okay about it.

And, I just realized that...I think House said, "I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable." Not "I don't want to be alone." I just checked. Pain/miserable.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

Part of the thing about Cuddy, that I can see, though, is that she hasn't and can't fully get that, because of her tendency to lose perspective about what's near and dear to her and see the ideal and pure potential rather than reality.

I do think she can (well, you know *my* biases *g*), but I'm not sure she's going to right now. She has gone down the optimist's route, and while I don't think she's going to make *that* particular mistake again, I also think she has fallen back on her old friend: caution. And instead of tempering down her optimism to a tolerable limit, she has taken the other extreme where she won't see or believe the gentleness and love House *is* capable of (when he's trying).

But I think part of the problem we've been seeing (predominantly in Cuddy and partly in Wilson and most recently in House) is this pattern of growing desperation and self-delusion that leads to poor decisions. They're all trying to change, and I think they're all as capable of it in significant, lasting ways as House is. That is to say, not very capable. They've all been making small ones, and it's true that House is not the same person in much smaller ways than he used to be even in season one, but I think when it comes to the big issues, they're all relatively the same and despite all their efforts will remain so.

Absolutely. And ITA with Cuddy's 'period' rather than 'event'. It's not something that has happened to her with one event, but over the years, with her professional life taking precedence over everything else and her failure to find a balance between the job she loves and the life she so desperately wants.

I think they're slowly and painfully learning the difference between what they can change and what they can't.

Yes, exactly.

You're welcome to ramble any time here! I love discussing and arguing stuff with you. *g* And I know I can expect sanity, which is *such* a relief.

(also, edited that line of dialogue)

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Good point about the caution. I guess we'll see that pan out more, if she sticks to it or not. You know her better than I do, I admit, but it's hard for me believe that she's completely swung the other way. I eye her suspiciously. Oh, and that failure to find balance (it's just impossible for the woman, and it drive me nuts--it's really not that hard, Cuddy!) extends into that outlook, too. She's a lot like a pendulum. Always swinging from one extreme to the other and not really stopping in the middle; she just bypasses that between area completely. In practically everything.

Thank you. So much. Reading and discussing with you makes me feel better about the show. It really does. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is. I've reached a bad point lately about it, mostly fandom and how it's been affecting me. The anxiety is just...ridiculous, and it's been hard for me to watch the show, because all I can think about is fandom's reaction and how it will make me facepalm to infinity. But when I really look at the show, just the show, or maybe with a level-headed sane person like yourself, I realize that it's okay. Things are okay. It's just...Ugh, it's been hard lately to find safe places for me. I know I thank you all the time, but really...I'm so relieved to be able to read and discuss without wanting to bash my head in. ...No, I didn't just hug my monitor...

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

I eye her suspiciously too, because, as you said, it would take one crazy stunt on House's part to get Cuddy into overdrive. For someone who lives her life by the 'middle ground' policy, it's ironic how easily she can swing to extremes. Which is possibly why she clings to the middle ground theory even more.

I've reached a bad point lately about it, mostly fandom and how it's been affecting me. The anxiety is just...ridiculous, and it's been hard for me to watch the show, because all I can think about is fandom's reaction and how it will make me facepalm to infinity. But when I really look at the show, just the show, or maybe with a level-headed sane person like yourself, I realize that it's okay. Things are okay.

You know, I've felt this way too. There was a time when I would go to the boards and communities in search for discussion (I thrive on it), only to find that they're full of people who hate *everything* (except maybe scenes with Wilson in them) and everyone, who don't get the simplest of jokes (why watch this show, then?) and need to be explained *everything* and have warped definitions for everything.... Then I realised that this was crazy, and I needed sane people to hang out with. That's why I collect sane people on my flist and cling to them like crazy. I still go to the communities and boards, because sane people *do* post on them, and I cannot resist a good discussion - but I always take them with a pinch of salt. And when someone particularly strange (there are so many of them!) says something moronic, I tell myself things like, 'Yeah, well, this is not season one so suck it. Also your avatar is ugly.' You'll be amazed how well this has worked for me. *g*

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

I'll admit that I've done my fair share of complaining lately about the show (instant patient insights, I kind of miss the Clinic, it took me a while to adjust to the ensemble-y feel, I'm not digging the lack of balance sometimes), but there's a lot even about those aspects that's directly connected to my experience with fandom. It's so hard for me to ignore the media, and the hype (even though I know it's hype and people like Ausellio are so superficial and wouldn't be able analyze anything if his life depended on it), and the crazy insane shippers who is practically everyone these days and I want to pull all their hair out and open their heads to see if they actually have brains in there, my God. *ahem* I don't know why I let it get to me, but I know it's my own fault, and I try to stay away from comms and forums. I've done all right with comms. Forums not as well. They draw me in because I feel out of the loop and am afraid I'm going to...be forgotten, I guess. It's silly. But anyway, it's really hurt how I've been watching the show, and I've had to try a lot harder to look at it objectively lately, when that used to come so easily. I always hear little shipper voices in my head, like I know what people will say and how much it'll bother me. It's so stupid. Hopefully I'll learn to adopt an attitude like yours with some time.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

It takes some time, getting used to the fannish crazy, but when it's affecting your fannish experience? You gotta do something about it. It's not really 'stupid' getting affecting by everything, because these are things we care about intensely, beyond reason. But it's not good for you and it's a loss for those of us who enjoy being fannish with you. *g*

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Ha. Yeah, that's the thing. I've never had anything like this--a TV show and characters like this--that I've cared about this much, and it still strikes me as odd sometimes. It really doesn't feel rational at all, how much I care about it. Things have gotten better the more I've taken myself away from the comms/forums, and I've already decided that if I make it through this rough patch (which I think I will, hopefully, but it's just tough, and honestly it depends on what goes down between now and the finale, too), then I'm going to watch S5 spoiler-free and completely away from comms/forums. Just me, my brain, and my f-list. I'm learning that's the better way to go.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

Being fannish *is* weird. When I first started reading fanfic (back in, oh, 2002), I wondered what the hell is wrong with me. But then I discovered more and more people who were as crazy as I was, and then I just embraced the crazy. *g*

I can't tell you how to go about it, but I hope you figure a way out.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Before I really knew what fanfic was, I was writing it, although at the time it was more real-person-fic, and it was nothing, you know...creepy. But my parents pretty much told me that it was wrong, and so I associated fannish things with wrong for a long time. It took me a while to get into House, and I'm glad I did, because I've met some great people here, and enjoyed writing what I've written, etc. I just think it all started to get to me in a way that wasn't good for me, and now I'm trying to find the places that I fit best.

And thanks. <3 Like I said, it's getting better, and go through some ups and downs, and hey, people like you help me a lot. So yay!