i'm not there (i did not die)

[swatkat]

i'm not there (i did not die):

'I'm better off alone anyway.' – House to Wilson, The Itch
'I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable.' – House to Amber, Wilson's Heart


And so now we have come to this—House is seeing a therapist, something you'd never have thought you'd see House do (although heaven knows he could use one). Wilson didn't tell House anything he didn't know in that last scene, and frankly, we could've done without that camera blurring thing in the end (hello, anvil!): he is alone. He is lonely. House needs people, whether he'll admit or no—he was forced to hire his new team because he couldn't do without them in his professional life; he ran after Wilson and Cuddy after they seemed to be drawing away from him.

I've been very proud of the way House has been trying so very hard this season, and frustrated by how locked in he really is. Nothing he has been trying (and he has been trying, he has been putting himself out there, he has been reaching out to people he loves) seems to be working very well. If there's one characteristic House shares with Cuddy, it's giving up on himself. But unlike House, Cuddy is an optimist. And unlike House, Cuddy does not angst. And therefore, unlike House, Cuddy bounces back the next day, no matter what she has suffered, and jumps right back into the fray (sometimes she even gets herself to believe that she's absolutely fine). House on the other hand will never let anything go when it comes to his puzzles and his friends, but when it comes to himself? He's scared and impatient, and he's quick to dismiss something as important and time-consuming as therapy after one frakking session. The last scene reminded me of House's little scene with Chase in 'The Social Contract,'

Chase: He says awful things. Hardly a medical condition.
House: When he leaves, he'll lose his family. He's gonna alienate the people he works with. And if he ever finds a friend who's willing to put up with his crap, he'll be lucky—till he drives them away too.

What is really awesome is that the last line of Wilson's works on two levels: Wilson is thinking in terms of House and his tangled mess of a whatever-it-is with Cuddy, because to Wilson, the definition of 'alone' is not in a relationship. That's *why* his decision to move on in life has meant 'getting a new girlfriend'. Like House, he doesn't want to be miserable and he doesn't want to be alone, but his solution to the problem is always, always finding a new person to date. ♥


i am in a quiet room:

It's just like Wilson to think that House's decision to see a shrink has everything to do with Cuddy—because, as we know, his brain works on the following lines:

X + Relationship = Profit!!!

I'm wondering if he doesn't recognise how much it also has to do with him. (I'm still waiting for some more fallout over Amber, and the fact that House nearly died because Wilson asked him to.)

But that said, it *does* have to do with Cuddy, and the fact that she has almost entirely withdrawn from her 'I-am-interested-in-you' position post-5.10. In 5.11, House tried baiting her repeatedly, to no avail. Afterwards, it has been all about Rachel, and despite her confusion about what she wants in 'Unfaithful' (which House does not know about, and believes that she did not want him in her house; he's also probably very confused about why the desk did not elicit any response), House has been frustrated and in the dark about her intentions. 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' he asked her in 'The Softer Side'. And I wanted her to reply, 'I can't believe you're asking me this after everything we've been through,' but that's not the answer he wanted, is it? Because House has been trying to make a point all throughout the season, through his secret cheerleader past in 5.03, through the desk in 5.10 and the 'Merry Christmas' in 5.11, through the mature punching-bag stance that he took in 5.14, that while he has better friends than he deserves, he is capable of caring for people and doing epic things for them. And it's frustrating, because while Cuddy did get the other point he tried to get across ('I'm an asshole, don't expect too many things from me'), she—in spite of her eternal optimism and her faith that House can do better, which, no matter what he claims, he desperately needs, as he showed us in 5.14—has not seen it, does not even believe it is possible:


House:There was a girl.
Lucas:Even more so.

Lucas:That's too bad. You wanted her to see you in a different light. Not only didn't she see it, she didn't even believe it was possible.
House: You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

And it's so very sad, because, it's not as though Cuddy doesn't want to believe him. Except that she has been burned. I found her apology at the end of 5.14 remarkable, because not only was it the right thing to do, but it was also remarkably honest, and House and Cuddy being honest to each other is a rare occurrence in the show. But it makes perfect sense that she baulked at his 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' I wrote post-5.10:

Add to this the title 'Let Them Eat Cake', and the reference to Marie Antoinette. I'm not happy she fell for the idea of a relationship with House, because she knows better, she has shown in the previous episodes that she knows better and she certainly deserves better than have her heart broken over House (I mean, the last look was 'I can't believe I fell for that, stupid'). But she did, and it makes sense with her character. We already know that House is a big scaredy cat and we already know House is the King of Mixed Signals and Emotional Ill-Health - but Cuddy is not very brave, either. In fact, she kind of sucks at relationships and emotional issues, things she cannot control, and that she put herself out there was an incredibly brave step on her part (tempered, of course, by a healthy dose of her vision of the 'world as it could be' - delusion, if you will; prompted, probably, by the melodrama in her life, her fear of loss esp. post 'Joy' and 'Last Resort', by Wilson's 'you can make it work!', by House's mixed signals, by the fact that she wants it), given her history of giving up on things and avoiding pain when they scare her (5.06: 'You're giving up.').

If House wants Cuddy, he's going to have to do something about it himself because she's not, the way she's now, going to drag him down the pool with his clothes on—at best, she will tug at his hand. And she's already done that.

I still believe this—unless, of course, some important event takes place in the near future. The question House was really asking is 'If you only believe I'm a jerk and an asshole (which, of course, I am, and please don't forget it), why do you care if I'm happy?'

It ties in to Wilson's failure to recognise the magnitude of his importance to House, and really, my heart breaks for House here. Remember that conversation with Nurse Nemesis in 5.02 about the boy who cried wolf? His friends don't believe him. And so far, nothing he has done has served to rectify it.

Etc.:

* Kutner's still the smartest D2.

* Claiming Kutner's idea? That is low, Taub. And desperate. And why am I not surprised that Kutner let him do it? He loves his friends, be it in his demand to know where Thirteen was a few episodes ago or in his heartbreak over Cole in S4, and will go great extents for them. Like House will.

* Not enough Cuddy. Humph. That said, she was absolutely gorgeous in purple and I had trouble paying attention to what they were saying.

* On the same note: they've fixed her hair! ♥♥♥

* Even Foreman's problems are boring. Awww. His girlfriends don't like his taste in jewelry, and Foreman, that vain, smug idiot, is heartbroken about it. I love how Thirteen handled it. She knows she's the cool one, awww.

* Cameron!!!! (Also, this is the second or third instance where House has asked her why she's not on his team. Foreshadowing?)

* TAUB. STOP. BE HAPPY AND SARCASTIC, I BEG OF YOU.

* House and Wilson. True love = stalking your BFF.

Comments

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Good point about the caution. I guess we'll see that pan out more, if she sticks to it or not. You know her better than I do, I admit, but it's hard for me believe that she's completely swung the other way. I eye her suspiciously. Oh, and that failure to find balance (it's just impossible for the woman, and it drive me nuts--it's really not that hard, Cuddy!) extends into that outlook, too. She's a lot like a pendulum. Always swinging from one extreme to the other and not really stopping in the middle; she just bypasses that between area completely. In practically everything.

Thank you. So much. Reading and discussing with you makes me feel better about the show. It really does. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it is. I've reached a bad point lately about it, mostly fandom and how it's been affecting me. The anxiety is just...ridiculous, and it's been hard for me to watch the show, because all I can think about is fandom's reaction and how it will make me facepalm to infinity. But when I really look at the show, just the show, or maybe with a level-headed sane person like yourself, I realize that it's okay. Things are okay. It's just...Ugh, it's been hard lately to find safe places for me. I know I thank you all the time, but really...I'm so relieved to be able to read and discuss without wanting to bash my head in. ...No, I didn't just hug my monitor...

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

I eye her suspiciously too, because, as you said, it would take one crazy stunt on House's part to get Cuddy into overdrive. For someone who lives her life by the 'middle ground' policy, it's ironic how easily she can swing to extremes. Which is possibly why she clings to the middle ground theory even more.

I've reached a bad point lately about it, mostly fandom and how it's been affecting me. The anxiety is just...ridiculous, and it's been hard for me to watch the show, because all I can think about is fandom's reaction and how it will make me facepalm to infinity. But when I really look at the show, just the show, or maybe with a level-headed sane person like yourself, I realize that it's okay. Things are okay.

You know, I've felt this way too. There was a time when I would go to the boards and communities in search for discussion (I thrive on it), only to find that they're full of people who hate *everything* (except maybe scenes with Wilson in them) and everyone, who don't get the simplest of jokes (why watch this show, then?) and need to be explained *everything* and have warped definitions for everything.... Then I realised that this was crazy, and I needed sane people to hang out with. That's why I collect sane people on my flist and cling to them like crazy. I still go to the communities and boards, because sane people *do* post on them, and I cannot resist a good discussion - but I always take them with a pinch of salt. And when someone particularly strange (there are so many of them!) says something moronic, I tell myself things like, 'Yeah, well, this is not season one so suck it. Also your avatar is ugly.' You'll be amazed how well this has worked for me. *g*

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

I'll admit that I've done my fair share of complaining lately about the show (instant patient insights, I kind of miss the Clinic, it took me a while to adjust to the ensemble-y feel, I'm not digging the lack of balance sometimes), but there's a lot even about those aspects that's directly connected to my experience with fandom. It's so hard for me to ignore the media, and the hype (even though I know it's hype and people like Ausellio are so superficial and wouldn't be able analyze anything if his life depended on it), and the crazy insane shippers who is practically everyone these days and I want to pull all their hair out and open their heads to see if they actually have brains in there, my God. *ahem* I don't know why I let it get to me, but I know it's my own fault, and I try to stay away from comms and forums. I've done all right with comms. Forums not as well. They draw me in because I feel out of the loop and am afraid I'm going to...be forgotten, I guess. It's silly. But anyway, it's really hurt how I've been watching the show, and I've had to try a lot harder to look at it objectively lately, when that used to come so easily. I always hear little shipper voices in my head, like I know what people will say and how much it'll bother me. It's so stupid. Hopefully I'll learn to adopt an attitude like yours with some time.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

It takes some time, getting used to the fannish crazy, but when it's affecting your fannish experience? You gotta do something about it. It's not really 'stupid' getting affecting by everything, because these are things we care about intensely, beyond reason. But it's not good for you and it's a loss for those of us who enjoy being fannish with you. *g*

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Ha. Yeah, that's the thing. I've never had anything like this--a TV show and characters like this--that I've cared about this much, and it still strikes me as odd sometimes. It really doesn't feel rational at all, how much I care about it. Things have gotten better the more I've taken myself away from the comms/forums, and I've already decided that if I make it through this rough patch (which I think I will, hopefully, but it's just tough, and honestly it depends on what goes down between now and the finale, too), then I'm going to watch S5 spoiler-free and completely away from comms/forums. Just me, my brain, and my f-list. I'm learning that's the better way to go.

[swatkat24.livejournal.com]

Being fannish *is* weird. When I first started reading fanfic (back in, oh, 2002), I wondered what the hell is wrong with me. But then I discovered more and more people who were as crazy as I was, and then I just embraced the crazy. *g*

I can't tell you how to go about it, but I hope you figure a way out.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Before I really knew what fanfic was, I was writing it, although at the time it was more real-person-fic, and it was nothing, you know...creepy. But my parents pretty much told me that it was wrong, and so I associated fannish things with wrong for a long time. It took me a while to get into House, and I'm glad I did, because I've met some great people here, and enjoyed writing what I've written, etc. I just think it all started to get to me in a way that wasn't good for me, and now I'm trying to find the places that I fit best.

And thanks. <3 Like I said, it's getting better, and go through some ups and downs, and hey, people like you help me a lot. So yay!