for sentimental reasons

[swatkat]

I'm sorry, I'm a bit incoherent in my response. I was spoiled about the twist in a comm yesterday, and it still hit me. (But of all the many, many ways House and Cuddy had to have sex in the show, it had to be a hallucination? David Shore, are you screwing with me? Oh wait you are, and I love you for it.)

i hope you do believe me:

I admit, I was resistant about the idea of hallucination!sex when people started talking about it in the comms, because a. it was hot and b. it felt like yet another way for the writers to show some skin and get the ratings up, like the striptease (b. is still partly true, but it's not like I'm complaining). But there were elements that disturbed me, like the fact it felt like two different episodes, like the magic!detox, like the magic!sex, like the fact it would have been Cuddy taking advantage of House's vulnerability (and this after thanking him for not doing the same with her—not that we haven't seen her be hypocritical in the past), like the fact that sex was completely irrelevant to the plot and felt tacked on… It felt tacked on because it was tacked on. By House himself. And the hints had been there all along: the uncanny similarities to 'House's Head' in the way things had been shot; the leaps of logic (all of which prompted us to go 'bad writing!', and write lengthy post-episode reactions)…

Oh, show! Why did I ever doubt you? The previous episode was phenomenal, as was this one.



for sentimental reasons:

All throughout this season, House has been trying to follow up on his admission to Amber in the bus: he has been reaching out to people (even people who are not Wilson and Cuddy—Taub, Thirteen, Foreman, Chase, Cameron; and the only person who he did not think required 'reaching out' to killed himself) and he has been trying to deal with his problems—in his own fashion. A large part of the reaching out, of course, has been to Wilson and Cuddy, and it has largely been a frustrating experience, because Wilson, while being his emotional bedrock, does not really get how much House values him. Even more frustrating has been his attempt to reach out to Cuddy—partly out of loneliness, partly out of attraction and partly out of the simple fact that she means a lot to him (but she's not a Vicodin replacement, as Wilson pointed out; a relationship with her will not fix everything that has gone wrong with his life)—because she has not really been getting it, despite wanting to; I will be lazy and quote myself here,

But that said, it *does* have to do with Cuddy, and the fact that she has almost entirely withdrawn from her 'I-am-interested-in-you' position post-5.10. In 5.11, House tried baiting her repeatedly, to no avail. Afterwards, it has been all about Rachel, and despite her confusion about what she wants in 'Unfaithful' (which House does not know about, and believes that she did not want him in her house; he's also probably very confused about why the desk did not elicit any response), House has been frustrated and in the dark about her intentions. 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' he asked her in 'The Softer Side'. And I wanted her to reply, 'I can't believe you're asking me this after everything we've been through,' but that's not the answer he wanted, is it? Because House has been trying to make a point all throughout the season, through his secret cheerleader past in 5.03, through the desk in 5.10 and the 'Merry Christmas' in 5.11, through the mature punching-bag stance that he took in 5.14, that while he has better friends than he deserves, he is capable of caring for people and doing epic things for them. And it's frustrating, because while Cuddy did get the other point he tried to get across ('I'm an asshole, don't expect too many things from me'), she—in spite of her eternal optimism and her faith that House can do better, which, no matter what he claims, he desperately needs, as he showed us in 5.14—has not seen it, does not even believe it is possible.

And that's why, when she rejects him—after being needled again about her daughter (and then pushed even further by him in 5.24. she confronted him about her professional reputation! and it's so heartbreaking, because House doesn't even know, for once, what he's doing to her)—House's brain comes up with a delusion where she sees him at his vulnerable most and she stands by him, she understands; again I will be lazy and quote myself, because I'm trying to figure things out here, please bear with me,

And that is why it had to be Cuddy and not Wilson who watched over him during the detox, because Cuddy has at least nominal authority over him, and (very marginally) better track-record than Wilson in terms of enabling House. Because House has already made Wilson go through the 'House nearly killed himself and I had to watch' trick once in this episode. And because House has been trying to expose a vulnerable, human side to Cuddy through out this season, and Cuddy hasn't really been inclined to believe him.

I cheered when Darth Amber said,

'If you take the pill, you don't deserve her. If you secretly take the pill, you don't deserve anyone.'

Which, of course, is an echo of what said when Judge Helen Davies started to talk about Cuddy as his 'employer', stopped midway, and said instead: 'You have better friends than you deserve.'

…


And I also cheered when Cuddy said, 'Is that why you think I'm here?', almost offended. And, of course, 'I'm not here protecting hospital property,' saying what she should have said when he asked in 'The Softer Side' (another pain problem episode), 'Why do you care if I'm happy?' Because she's his friend, that's why.

House gets that she has been a better friend to him than he deserves; Cuddy doesn't get that he gets it, because she has never had any reason to, and this season, they've only muddled it up even further. After her 'last straw', she's at a place where Wilson was at the beginning of this season: not quite able to see House at his best; not really even willing to,

'We not only don't have a personal relationship, we never could.'

Ignore the second part of the sentence for a second and focus on the first part: 'We don't have a personal relationship,' she concludes, essentially negating everything they've been to each other for all this while. And contrast this with House's fantasy, where he can communicate with her without being an ass ('I need you/I always wanna kiss you'), where she understands and she helps him get better—because House is such sentimental fool—and brings up their history and asserts how much he means to her when he is uncertain…

'We not only don't have a personal relationship, we never could.'
'I'm not here protecting hospital property.'

*blubbers*

I'm sorry, I don't have words—I did tell you I was incoherent.

I'm not particularly worried about House not getting physically better next season, because obviously the show can't be House, ex-M.D. I'd like to find out what has gone wrong—I suspect it's an after-effect of his brain damage last year, followed by the motorcycle accident. More importantly, I want to see how Wilson and Cuddy deal with this next season—Wilson has a mentally ill brother, and now this thing with House; Cuddy learning the immensity his actions after negating every thing about their relationship. Because I don't want to take anything away from Hugh Laurie's performance, who needs to win every award in the world, but it was RSL and LE in the last montage that made the episode for me—Wilson in muted shades; Cuddy radiant in red; Wilson handing him over his things and his half-smile when House turns back for the last time; Cuddy turning up in the middle of the ceremony—the way she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, and the way she stands a little at the back, away from everyone else (who don't know), blinking back tears.

And meanwhile, here's what I will take away from this episode: that in House's imagination, a perfect world is one where Wilson is his bro/confidante/partner-in-crime and it's never up for question how much he means to House, where Cuddy understands him and doesn't turn him away (god, the way he smiled? I nearly died), where he's a kick-ass doctor, and where he is not dependent on his pain medication and he manages just fine. It's not what he had before, because his leg is still not whole, but it's something. ♥

Comments

[zulu]

I don't get what you mean by hallucination!Wilson. Wilson was real this whole episode, as was everyone and everything except the lipstick and Amber and Kutner at the end. He was giving advice based on what House told him about how he slept with Cuddy, but he didn't know it was untrue until Cuddy brought House to his office.

[zulu]

But as for the rest, hee, I agree on all counts. Amazing acting, and the directing was great, and the intercutting, and everythingeverything.

[swatkat]

I'm not sure what I mean by hallucination!Wilson, either! Oops?

And oh, he's had no time to react to that now, but Wilson being Wilson will have one more reason to angst over when he realises that his 'go for the jugular' lead House to insult Cuddy in a rather spectacular manner.

Also, I haven't had time to react to everything *else* in this episode, but I totally want to write fic where Cuddy tells Foreman that he is in charge now, because the department can't stop functioning every time House has personal crap to deal with.